The Old Goat
What’s Happening In Glasgoat

Hiya Goatsters,

After Scottish Sam, the grumpy bald bartender from The Sea Dog, moved to Florida we were left with no good point of reference for today’s big event.

And today is the day. It is happening right now…. Scotland’s referendum on independence.

A “Yes” vote will separate Scotland from the United Kingdom, “No” and things stay the same. We’ll find out how it went Friday morning.

Scotland is small and a long way from here and despite my Scottish surname and despite the fact that the only necktie I own is the McIntire tartan one I purchased at a kilt shop in Glasgow, that country has little influence on life at The Goat — since Sam left anyway.

Only two of the one hundred plus beers that we serve come from Scotland and of those two Belhaven is the more popular… we sell all of seven cans of Belhaven in a typical month.

Even though Maine has a large sprinkling of Scottish genetic material (just about everyone is part Scottish), we have very few regulars who are enthusiastic enough about their ancestry to get dressed up for the annual Highland Games.

My sister-in-law is married to a Scotsman. I’ve been to Scotland. My first name is Scott. I have all these little connections to the place which don’t add up to diddly squat…. Scotland, sad to say, is just not pertinent to me or almost anyone else.

Ask five people today if they know what the big event in Edinburgh is today…. four will have no idea. The fifth will say something like if Scotland can secede why can’t Texas.

Anyway, no matter which opinion you hold; to go or not to go, we hope to see a small spike in Belhaven sales tomorrow so I’m throwing another two cans in the cooler to prepare for the onslaught because

Celebration or Lamentation… either way there’s inebriation.

I just made up that little ditty, Robbie Burns might have liked it.

See you at The Goat,


PS we have live music Thursday, Friday, and maybe Saturday this week

The Trojan Goat

Hiya Goatsters,

People seem to be using the word “epic” all the time now. Popular use of it has surged since the release of the movie 300 which is almost the story of the Spartans at Thermopylae.

According to Webster, an epic is a long narrative poem that tells of a legendary hero or monster, like The Odyssey. So then, as an adjective, “epic”, describes something as having the qualities of an epic, as in the sentence; The Hobbit is a tale of epic adventure.

The word isn’t really employed like that any more.

Aaron Warner, a friend of mine, was recently told by a stranger that he had an “epic beard”. This should be taken to mean that Aaron looks like Ulysses. But that wouldn’t make any sense because he doesn’t go around wearing a tunic and his beard doesn’t have ringlets and you can’t find him as a decoration on a clay jar either.

No, it just meant that he had a really big, extraordinary looking mass of facial hair, because lately, “epic”, means that something is remarkable for its large or ostentatious proportions or for being overly indulgent.

"Epic" has lost its heroic quality and that is sad, really… except at The Goat, it’s still heroic there.

This weekend is going to be epic at The Goat.

Saturday night is Reggae fest with Stream — who have taken a Homer-esque journey from their native Jamaica to become the Portland area’s best island sound. We’ll be serving cold Red Stripes at the special Pythagorian price of just $3. The only joint in town with Greek revival columns out front will be packed… so get in early for the 9:30 PM show. There is a $5 cover charge for this event.

Sunday at 1 PM is The Old Goat Co-Ed Mixed Doubles Cornhole Championships. Every team needs a Helen and an Achilles for a chance to win cash and a miniature version of the Nike of Samothrace. Attending the Stream Reggae show allows you to enter the tournament at no cost. Tournament fees for others will be $12 per team with all proceeds going to benefit RYRA…(Richmond Youth Recreation Association).

We have some other epic events coming up too;

The Old Goat 10th Anniversary TOGA Halloween Party with Shizzle is Friday October 31st… that’s right, I said TOGA… there are links to directions on how to make a toga from a bed sheet at bottom of this email.

Comedy night with the world famous Boston comic, Paul Nardizzi, is Saturday November 21st.

Mark your calenders! And see you at The Goat,


Toga stuff:


Goatus Operandi

Hiya Goatsters,

A short unsweetened conversation that started with a man leaning over the wall into the kitchen and saying to me, in an impatient demanding tone, “Can we get a couple menus over here”, ended with an exclamatory, “Suck a dick!”, from the woman he came in with.

Here is the middle part;

Answering in a tone equal to the guest’s, I said, “Just sit over there and wait for the server”,

Then the young woman shouted, “That’s it, you’ve been rude every time I’ve been in here”,

I said (not shouting), “Sorry, you feel that way.”

"I don’t FEEL that way!" she yelled.

Me, “This is the kitchen, I’m working on an order here. That’s server over there taking someone else’s order, you can wait.”

Then it was the, “Suck a dick!”, comment and off they went.

So, I was left wondering. Whose dick was she speaking of, one in particular or could it be just any dick? Does size matter? Would it truly be just the one dick, or having sucked one would I then have to suck another and another?

And if I did suck a dick would that make things right between us? Would that make her come back to The Goat in the future, to maybe say, “Get me a pizza now.”

But I guess if sucking a dick is all it takes, I’m in. I really needed that $15 they were going to spend…. you know, me with the two kids in college and another just finishing high school and all.

Hmmmm…. Maybe sucking a dick is what all those other angry customers have wanted me to do over the years….and they just didn’t say it…… how could I be so blind?

Epiphany time — I have been searching high and low for this. It’s that one key theme for that success-in-business-book I’ve been thinking of writing… I’m even gonna make it the title; Suck A Dick, The Secret to Increasing Sales And Winning Back Lost Customers

A New York Times Best Seller for sure. I can’t wait to parlay that into a lecture and seminar tour. I’ve even got a spin-off book title; Sucksess Now!

Speaking of best sellers, Stream Reggae will be back to jam with us on September 13th…. save the date and plan to get in early… the place will be packed!

Music this weekend; Open Mic with Albert Lord tonight. Friday is Robby Simpson. Saturday Acoustic Chi featuring the lovely Tina Charest accompanied by Jeff Noel on guitar.

See you at The Goat where pints get filled and dicks get sucked,


PS. The Mixed Doubles Old Goat Cornhole Challenge is Sunday September 14 at 1 PM. Better practice up! The tournament proceed will go to benefit RYRA

The Goat Blackballed… Again

Hiya Goatsters,

You may have heard of the ongoing Dresden boycott of The Old Goat organized by the Dresden Yacht & Tennis Club Pinky Raisers Committee.

With Hamas-like fervor and anti-Goat zealotry they have expended so much energy to erect a rigid but invisible barrier across the old bridge that it makes me wonder what those guys could accomplish if they put as much effort into a more important endeavor…. like ending childhood hunger or something.

But hey, it’s a free country so people can get worked up over what ever they like.

To give credit where credit is due, the embargo has been a big success — mostly for me. Friday evenings at The Goat, once packed with single-drink-wonders milling in front of the door making it difficult for anyone else to come in, are now packed with a younger, thirstier, more spendy crowd.

And despite the all out public relations siege accompanying the boycott, some how we have been able to maintain a slight toe-hold east of the river. As undaunted by the kerfuffle, a small band of hardy blockade runners has repeatedly dared the gauntlet of withering social pressures over there in Cambridge-on-the-Kennebec to join our weekend festivities.

Oh, the courage it must take.

In other news; The Old Goat has just recorded its best summer ever with sales up 12% over last year! Thanks everyone for a great season.

Music this week: The incredible John Hasnip on Friday — no doubt playing for a full house, Saturday night’s venue overload is Robby Simpson.

See you at The Goat,


PS. Don’t forget Stream Reggae will be live at The Goat September 13 and the Mixed Doubles Cornhole Tournament is Sunday September 14.

PSS. Join the Goat Trotters Running Club every Tuesday for a Richmond loop. $1 off all beers for runners.

Last Minute Goatmail

Hiya Goatsters,

There is nothing funny or stupid or painful from Goatland to report this week. The national and world news are unchanged in their lousiness since our last issue and so I have found it too difficult to bring that news into the context of life at my pub.

So, you get a short, late, flaccid Goatmail.

One could say that today’s blog stinks because I am being lazy or not trying hard enough or that I have been drinking too much. One might be right on any or all of those counts.

Wait a minute. This is Ferguson in miniature. A mundane non-lethal Ferguson, but still Ferguson.

Is the outcome of a failed Goatmail this week a result of oppression by general conditions or is it a result of my personal actions or weaknesses.

Thankfully, I have liberal friends who may sympathize with my initial narrative; The world has given me nothing to inspire my writing. My conservative friends will simply irritate me by insisting that it is all my fault and I have no one else to blame for my failure.

Weird isn’t it. Please, no looting.

Here is something I haven’t fallen short on; We Robby Simpson is live tonight behind the mic at 9 PM —- great music! The musician for Saturday is out of action due to illness so I am searching for a low cost last minute replacement.

See you at The Goat,


PS. Runners, don’t forget to join Sarah Miller and the running gang for their Richmond jaunt Tuesday nights at 6:30… Get $1 off all beers after the loop.
PSS. The Mixed Doubles Cornhole Tournament is September 14…better line up your partners! Stream Reggae is live September 13.

What Do We Owe The Goat?

Hiya Goatsters,

Gotta tell ya, I’m only writing this Goatmail to let you know about the awesome country band we have for Friday night, The Howligans, led by the incredible Michael Abbot. Don’t miss the show. It starts at 9:00 PM.

Other than that, I hope that by this point, like me, you’re all finished reading up on Robin Williams tributes, updates on Africans wanting Ebola Drugs, and the latest on Missouri rioting over the Michael Brown shooting.

I hate to say it and maybe you’ll disagree, but I don’t care, I see a common thread; entitlement. Robin was entitled to happiness, Africans should get drugs for free (which nobody even knows whether or not work), and because a young man gets shot by police (theoretically unjustly at this point) the area’s black community should be able to loot and pillage neighborhood stores to get free stuff and burn things.

It all makes perfect sense.

Anyway, have you heard that The Old Goat Running Club, which meets at the bar Tuesdays at 6:30, has had a 50% growth in membership in just one week? We’re up to three antelopes. If we can keep that up we will have four and a half runners next week. You should come on down because it’s a wicked good entitlement; free to join and runners get $1 off all beers after the run…. I guess that’s not entitlement though, it’s just a silly promotion and you have to earn the reward, and you have to like beer…. sodas are still full price.

We have a date for the next big Cornhole Tournament. The Old Goat Co-Ed Championship is Sunday September 14. Announcing early like this gives all the dudes out there a chance to find and woo a girl that can actually play cornhole. But wait, there is more. In order to compete you also need to attend the huge Stream Reggae concert at The Goat the evening before…. that’s right, STEAM REGGAE is live at The Goat Saturday September 13.

Without the stamp from the show, you can’t play the tournament. It is a level playing field.

Unlike tournaments in the past you actually have to earn the right to play in this one and not everyone gets a participation ribbon. There is a trophy and cash for the winners, second and third places. Too bad for everyone else. Proceeds from the tournament will benefit RYRA (Richmond Youth Recreation Assn.)

Also, if you are not Nate Bodge’s friend on facebook yet — friend him. Nate’s serialized tales; Strangers In Canadia, are delightful. Written in seamless breezy prose, this collection of vignettes from his family’s travels are downright priceless, by far the best reading of the summer. Cute, quirky, and endlessly charming — get on board the Nate Train and read them today.

Karen Seigars has complained that she has never been mentioned in a Goatmail.

Here you go Karen; Karen holds the women’s records for most Bud Lights consumed in a single evening at The Goat. I won’t say how many… it’s more than your personal best though. Karen has also done the lovely flowers on the patio for the last several years. She has raised two very nice sons. She has a nice little barbershop. She is also an attractive, intelligent, funny, well endowed, single woman. Need I say more?

Saturday night we have Double Entendre. Open Mic with Albert Lord is tonight (Thursday).

See you at The Goat,


Universalism and The Goat

Hiya Goatsters,

Something about Summer time makes people want to go out in big packs especially later in the season.

I have discovered that a universal law applies to this phenomena; The number of large parties coming to The Old Goat is inversely proportional to the number of Summer days remaining.

Nine, ten, twelve, or fifteen people dining out all together makes no sense to me personally. It’s not like you could actually have a conversation with each of them over the course of a meal that might last an hour.

A universal law comes into play in this situation as well; The larger the group you are out with, the fewer members of that group you actually talk to.

Still, they come. They come without warning. They come at odd times. They seem to sense when we only have one person working in our tiny kitchen and they come. Or they come when every seat in the house is full.

I had a party of twenty try to walk in for dinner during Richmond Days.

You guessed it, there’s an applicable universal law: No matter when a large party shows up, it is not a convenient time for it to do so.

They come by boat or car or on motorcycles and their good time becomes our kitchen disaster.

Frankly, on some days it can be hard enough for us to get all the food to come out of the kitchen at the same time for a simple party of four. Mostly it’s nearly impossible for us to make this happen for parties bigger than eight.

Oddly, our limitations in this regard are exacerbated by one more readily observable universal law: The bigger the party, the bigger the appetite of each person in that party.

Recently we had a table of nine people order seven pizzas, four panini, three Greek salads, and five plates of nachos — easily enough to feed twenty eight.

The orders for everyone else that evening, all those easy to deal with small parties unlucky enough to come in behind the big party, just kept stacking up — way more than usual…. and that might not make sense because overall and in total sales we weren’t any busier than for a normal busy night.

Sadly however, regular arithmetic doesn’t work in our kitchen, it’s trumped by the existence of another relevant universal law: The total length of time it takes to make food for a large number of people that arrive as one group is at least twice as long as the time required to make the same amount of food for the same number of people if those people arrive simultaneously as several smaller unrelated groups.


Anyway, we have now given up trying to time up orders for big parties, we just do the best we can and don’t worry about it. Sometimes for really big parties the first people to get their food are done and ready to leave before the last person in the group even gets her first bite.

That sucks for her. She probably shouldn’t have ordered the gluten free.

Which highlights yet another immutable universal law: The difficulty of meeting a persons dietary needs is directly proportional to the length of time that person will wait for their meal.

I’m sure we’re doomed to see a few more big groups this weekend since we have so much great music lined up and there is so little Summer left.

After all, we’ve got The Shizzle on Friday night for some wicked fun Hip Hop starting around 9:00…. the house is going to be slamma jamma. And Saturday, Robby Simpson, Hell yeah!, is in to close out the week with his awesome music.

Anyway, the calender pages are turning so you had better hurry up and get your big group together and get down here before the mood leaves you.

See you at The Goat where we’ve been just thrilled to serve your large parties since 2004,


PS; The Old Goat Annual Charity Tournament was a big success. A record sixty eight golfers on seventeen teams competed and while drinking more than four hundred and fifty beers were able to raise $2100 for the Pine Tree Camp. Steve Prevost and his Augusta Natural Gas team were victorious just nipping out Ron Demers, Pete Warner, Kevin Curtis, and Joe Richards in a sudden death shoot out after tying at one under for the round.

Congratulations and well done Goatsters!

A Goat’s Day Off

Hiya Goatsters,

I went out to Monhegan Island yesterday. I have to say it; Overrated.

Did you know that there are people that go there and stay an entire week. It’s a cute little village and the trails are nice and the boat ride getting there was enjoyable but an hour of walking around the place is all I need of it. No reason for me to ever go back.

With the 300 or so people who arrived by one of the ferries about the same time as we did it was like a walk-a-thon out there. That kind of situation makes me feel like a big dork. You know the feeling, that looking around and thinking, all these people are such dip-shits, and then realizing that you’re one of them.

Trying to find something for lunch was hopeless because there really isn’t anything. Just ate wild raspberries trail side.

Then relieving myself trail side was also the only viable option since there is only one public restroom on the whole two mile rock and it’s tiny and smelly.

I guess if you fancy yourself an artist and you can live without eating or peeing it might be okay over there and there seemed to be quite a few people with their easels set up. There is an art supply store and a few galleries in the village which oddly all had the same open hours; 2-4 Tuesdays and Thursdays

I was there Wednesday.

For sports I guess they have hiking and kayaking….. and meditation too, pretty sure that’s a sport over there.

They don’t have anything for teams.

I prefer team stuff. Like our Old Goat Charity Golf tournament. Our The Tenth Annual will be this Sunday at 11:30 at Country Fareways in Bowdoin.

Or like cornhole or darts, you can play those all the time at The Goat.

Now we’re even starting up a Tuesday night running group led by Sarah Miller… join Sarah Tuesday evenings at 6:30 for a loop starting and ending at The Goat. MMM…. running….. and beer…. good and good for you. Give us a heads up if you plan on running with us.

And Duncan Dunscombe is helping start the first ever Old Goat co-ed fall winter indoor soccer team. We will be providing uniforms and half of the league entry fee for an eight game (9v9) schedule to be played at the Dome in Topsham. Play starts in November, we’ll try and organize some outdoor practices in October. The roster is limited to 20 players and the cost will be just $40 per player. Sign up soon.

I didn’t see anything anywhere on the island about live music either. I guess there is no need for it since bed time is 7:45.

Anyway, we have all the good stuff at The Goat.

Train Wreck comes to us Friday night at 9:00 from Massachusetts for their annual gang busters concert featuring kick ass country and rock and roll. And Ryan Reed wows the house Saturday night at 8:30. Albert Lord hosts Open Mic night Thursday (tonight) at 8:00.

The Hell with Monhegan, save the effort and go to Swan Island next time.

See you at The Goat


PS. Tonight upstairs we host a Swan Island wildlife discussion led by Maine Inland Fisheries and Wildlife warden John Pratt at 6:30 — don’t miss it!

The Goat Loves Richmond Days

Hiya Goatsters,

We’ve tried a lot of things at the Goat.

We’ve had trivia contests, cribbage tournaments, dart nights, ladies’ night, a Haiku competition, chili cook-offs, an original spooky story contest, cornhole tournaments, comedy nights, open mics, bands, solo acoustic acts, DJs, golf tournaments, food specials, beer specials, a doggy fashion show, art shows, nude drawing nights, lecture series, charity auctions, Old Goat anniversary parties, Superbowl parties, and specials for the World Cup. We’ve had celebrations for Christmas, New Years, St. Patrick’s Day, Valentines, Halloween, The 4th, Thanksgiving, Labor Day, Memorial Day, Veterans Day. We’ve had Chippendale Dancers and a pole dancing, burlesque, and belly dancing show.

We’ve had a horse at the bar…. three times.

We haven’t had female strippers, jello wrestling, wet tee-shirt contests, arm wrestling, amateur boxing, indoor pyrotechnics, or the midget toss. Give us time.

None of that matters. None of those things compare to the slammage of Richmond Days — or rather the Saturday of Richmond Days — or rather the two hour time frame that encapsulates the thirty minute firework show on the Saturday evening of Richmond Days.

Richmond Days, as you may know, occurs this weekend.

It will be the busiest day and the busiest two hours of the year for us.

We’ve prepared relentlessly to help you enjoy this festival. We have lots and lots and lots of beer. We have great food. We’ve polished up our famous positive attitudes, huge smiles, cheerful dispositions, and our unparalleled hospitality and accommodation skills…. all for you.

And to really make this a great celebration of our little town; Saturday evening we have Acoustic Chi live after the fireworks.

And we know that you really want to kick off this grand weekend right, so, we have Richmond’s home town heroes, RUCKUS, for some kick ass Rock N’ Roll Friday at 9 PM for a free show!

And since Richmond Days used to incorporate Thursday as well, we’ve got Open Mic with Albert Lord on Thursday…. okay, that’s not really for Richmond Days…we have Albert every Thursday.

And surprise surprise! There are some things we can’t or won’t help you with this weekend. So in the spirit of community; For iced tea or just ice — go to Pierces. For dessert, go to Main Street Dairy Treat. For coffee — go to Annabella’s. For meals before noon — go to The Railway Cafe. For hard booze — go to Gary’s Quick Stop. For an ATM — go up the street to one of the two banks.

For parking — if our lot is full… good luck. You should be walking anyway, it’s going to be nice out.

See you at the Goat


Goat Xth

Hiya Goatsters,

Robin Thayer along with Vanessa Santarelli and Mike Bonzagni won the Second Annual Old Goat Charity Golf Tournament.

I still have a picture of them holding the trophy and the look on Vanessa’s face is legendary because at the precise moment the picture was snapped one of her teammates was goosing her. Despite there only being two suspects, the true culprit has never been named.

Robin will not be at this year’s tournament. She is getting married the day before and if my theory holds true somebody will be getting a good goosing in the wedding photos too.

The tournament’s most hated team, the Casey/Casey team, won twice back to back for the 6th and 7th tournaments. But like with the Beatles this foursome is Splitsville and now former ringleader Casey Hynes will be playing for the Liberal Cup team…. a solid drinking team to be sure, but one of questionable quality on the links.

Mike Chase and the boys from Team Windham eked out a victory in year five and haven’t been close to the podium since. Reputedly, they’ll be back for another try this August.

My team won once on the strength of a thirty foot putt for birdie on the 1st hole, my single good stroke from the last nine tournaments.

George Dorr has talked and talked more about winning the tournament than anyone else has. Every year for the past six years he has recruited a new group of ringers promising success and glory only to fall short each time. George has endlessly worked on improving his game with lessons and round after round after round of practice. Is this the year he finally hoists the mug?

Rick St. Peter has been a player many times…. Some how he always manages to weasel onto a team with the hot young women. So naturally this begs the question; Will he come out on top this time?

Skip Spurling earned a tournament record by having his number drawn for five consecutive raffle prizes. His achievements on the course have been lacking, however.

Over the years the tournament has raised over $25,000 for our charities which have included; Make a Wish, The Maine Children’s Cancer Fund, Maine Special Olympics, and The Richmond Library Fund. This year (making it six years running) The Pine Tree Camp which provides a Maine camp experience for the disabled will be our beneficiary.

Other than greens fees, 100% of tournament revenue goes to the charity. Included in the entry cost are all food and beverages. Beer at every tee box. Burgers and dogs at the club house.

The tournament is Sunday August 3rd at 11:30. Spaces are limited, register your team today. Best ball, scramble, shotgun start. Country Fareways, Route 201 Bowdoin, Maine.

This weeks music is Robby Simpson live on Friday at 9 PM. Open Mic is Thursday with Albert Lord at 8 PM. Saturday we have a cancellation to fill. I will post an update on Facebook.

See you at The Goat,


Here’s a look at the course;