The Old Goat
What Do We Owe The Goat?

Hiya Goatsters,

Gotta tell ya, I’m only writing this Goatmail to let you know about the awesome country band we have for Friday night, The Howligans, led by the incredible Michael Abbot. Don’t miss the show. It starts at 9:00 PM.

Other than that, I hope that by this point, like me, you’re all finished reading up on Robin Williams tributes, updates on Africans wanting Ebola Drugs, and the latest on Missouri rioting over the Michael Brown shooting.

I hate to say it and maybe you’ll disagree, but I don’t care, I see a common thread; entitlement. Robin was entitled to happiness, Africans should get drugs for free (which nobody even knows whether or not work), and because a young man gets shot by police (theoretically unjustly at this point) the area’s black community should be able to loot and pillage neighborhood stores to get free stuff and burn things.

It all makes perfect sense.

Anyway, have you heard that The Old Goat Running Club, which meets at the bar Tuesdays at 6:30, has had a 50% growth in membership in just one week? We’re up to three antelopes. If we can keep that up we will have four and a half runners next week. You should come on down because it’s a wicked good entitlement; free to join and runners get $1 off all beers after the run…. I guess that’s not entitlement though, it’s just a silly promotion and you have to earn the reward, and you have to like beer…. sodas are still full price.

We have a date for the next big Cornhole Tournament. The Old Goat Co-Ed Championship is Sunday September 14. Announcing early like this gives all the dudes out there a chance to find and woo a girl that can actually play cornhole. But wait, there is more. In order to compete you also need to attend the huge Stream Reggae concert at The Goat the evening before…. that’s right, STEAM REGGAE is live at The Goat Saturday September 13.

Without the stamp from the show, you can’t play the tournament. It is a level playing field.

Unlike tournaments in the past you actually have to earn the right to play in this one and not everyone gets a participation ribbon. There is a trophy and cash for the winners, second and third places. Too bad for everyone else. Proceeds from the tournament will benefit RYRA (Richmond Youth Recreation Assn.)

Also, if you are not Nate Bodge’s friend on facebook yet — friend him. Nate’s serialized tales; Strangers In Canadia, are delightful. Written in seamless breezy prose, this collection of vignettes from his family’s travels are downright priceless, by far the best reading of the summer. Cute, quirky, and endlessly charming — get on board the Nate Train and read them today.

Karen Seigars has complained that she has never been mentioned in a Goatmail.

Here you go Karen; Karen holds the women’s records for most Bud Lights consumed in a single evening at The Goat. I won’t say how many… it’s more than your personal best though. Karen has also done the lovely flowers on the patio for the last several years. She has raised two very nice sons. She has a nice little barbershop. She is also an attractive, intelligent, funny, well endowed, single woman. Need I say more?

Saturday night we have Double Entendre. Open Mic with Albert Lord is tonight (Thursday).

See you at The Goat,

Scottster

Universalism and The Goat

Hiya Goatsters,

Something about Summer time makes people want to go out in big packs especially later in the season.

I have discovered that a universal law applies to this phenomena; The number of large parties coming to The Old Goat is inversely proportional to the number of Summer days remaining.

Nine, ten, twelve, or fifteen people dining out all together makes no sense to me personally. It’s not like you could actually have a conversation with each of them over the course of a meal that might last an hour.

A universal law comes into play in this situation as well; The larger the group you are out with, the fewer members of that group you actually talk to.

Still, they come. They come without warning. They come at odd times. They seem to sense when we only have one person working in our tiny kitchen and they come. Or they come when every seat in the house is full.

I had a party of twenty try to walk in for dinner during Richmond Days.

You guessed it, there’s an applicable universal law: No matter when a large party shows up, it is not a convenient time for it to do so.

They come by boat or car or on motorcycles and their good time becomes our kitchen disaster.

Frankly, on some days it can be hard enough for us to get all the food to come out of the kitchen at the same time for a simple party of four. Mostly it’s nearly impossible for us to make this happen for parties bigger than eight.

Oddly, our limitations in this regard are exacerbated by one more readily observable universal law: The bigger the party, the bigger the appetite of each person in that party.

Recently we had a table of nine people order seven pizzas, four panini, three Greek salads, and five plates of nachos — easily enough to feed twenty eight.

The orders for everyone else that evening, all those easy to deal with small parties unlucky enough to come in behind the big party, just kept stacking up — way more than usual…. and that might not make sense because overall and in total sales we weren’t any busier than for a normal busy night.

Sadly however, regular arithmetic doesn’t work in our kitchen, it’s trumped by the existence of another relevant universal law: The total length of time it takes to make food for a large number of people that arrive as one group is at least twice as long as the time required to make the same amount of food for the same number of people if those people arrive simultaneously as several smaller unrelated groups.

Weird.

Anyway, we have now given up trying to time up orders for big parties, we just do the best we can and don’t worry about it. Sometimes for really big parties the first people to get their food are done and ready to leave before the last person in the group even gets her first bite.

That sucks for her. She probably shouldn’t have ordered the gluten free.

Which highlights yet another immutable universal law: The difficulty of meeting a persons dietary needs is directly proportional to the length of time that person will wait for their meal.

I’m sure we’re doomed to see a few more big groups this weekend since we have so much great music lined up and there is so little Summer left.

After all, we’ve got The Shizzle on Friday night for some wicked fun Hip Hop starting around 9:00…. the house is going to be slamma jamma. And Saturday, Robby Simpson, Hell yeah!, is in to close out the week with his awesome music.

Anyway, the calender pages are turning so you had better hurry up and get your big group together and get down here before the mood leaves you.

See you at The Goat where we’ve been just thrilled to serve your large parties since 2004,

Scottster

PS; The Old Goat Annual Charity Tournament was a big success. A record sixty eight golfers on seventeen teams competed and while drinking more than four hundred and fifty beers were able to raise $2100 for the Pine Tree Camp. Steve Prevost and his Augusta Natural Gas team were victorious just nipping out Ron Demers, Pete Warner, Kevin Curtis, and Joe Richards in a sudden death shoot out after tying at one under for the round.

Congratulations and well done Goatsters!

A Goat’s Day Off

Hiya Goatsters,

I went out to Monhegan Island yesterday. I have to say it; Overrated.

Did you know that there are people that go there and stay an entire week. It’s a cute little village and the trails are nice and the boat ride getting there was enjoyable but an hour of walking around the place is all I need of it. No reason for me to ever go back.

With the 300 or so people who arrived by one of the ferries about the same time as we did it was like a walk-a-thon out there. That kind of situation makes me feel like a big dork. You know the feeling, that looking around and thinking, all these people are such dip-shits, and then realizing that you’re one of them.

Trying to find something for lunch was hopeless because there really isn’t anything. Just ate wild raspberries trail side.

Then relieving myself trail side was also the only viable option since there is only one public restroom on the whole two mile rock and it’s tiny and smelly.

I guess if you fancy yourself an artist and you can live without eating or peeing it might be okay over there and there seemed to be quite a few people with their easels set up. There is an art supply store and a few galleries in the village which oddly all had the same open hours; 2-4 Tuesdays and Thursdays

I was there Wednesday.

For sports I guess they have hiking and kayaking….. and meditation too, pretty sure that’s a sport over there.

They don’t have anything for teams.

I prefer team stuff. Like our Old Goat Charity Golf tournament. Our The Tenth Annual will be this Sunday at 11:30 at Country Fareways in Bowdoin.

Or like cornhole or darts, you can play those all the time at The Goat.

Now we’re even starting up a Tuesday night running group led by Sarah Miller… join Sarah Tuesday evenings at 6:30 for a loop starting and ending at The Goat. MMM…. running….. and beer…. good and good for you. Give us a heads up if you plan on running with us.

And Duncan Dunscombe is helping start the first ever Old Goat co-ed fall winter indoor soccer team. We will be providing uniforms and half of the league entry fee for an eight game (9v9) schedule to be played at the Dome in Topsham. Play starts in November, we’ll try and organize some outdoor practices in October. The roster is limited to 20 players and the cost will be just $40 per player. Sign up soon.

I didn’t see anything anywhere on the island about live music either. I guess there is no need for it since bed time is 7:45.

Anyway, we have all the good stuff at The Goat.

Train Wreck comes to us Friday night at 9:00 from Massachusetts for their annual gang busters concert featuring kick ass country and rock and roll. And Ryan Reed wows the house Saturday night at 8:30. Albert Lord hosts Open Mic night Thursday (tonight) at 8:00.

The Hell with Monhegan, save the effort and go to Swan Island next time.

See you at The Goat

Scottster

PS. Tonight upstairs we host a Swan Island wildlife discussion led by Maine Inland Fisheries and Wildlife warden John Pratt at 6:30 — don’t miss it!

The Goat Loves Richmond Days

Hiya Goatsters,

We’ve tried a lot of things at the Goat.

We’ve had trivia contests, cribbage tournaments, dart nights, ladies’ night, a Haiku competition, chili cook-offs, an original spooky story contest, cornhole tournaments, comedy nights, open mics, bands, solo acoustic acts, DJs, golf tournaments, food specials, beer specials, a doggy fashion show, art shows, nude drawing nights, lecture series, charity auctions, Old Goat anniversary parties, Superbowl parties, and specials for the World Cup. We’ve had celebrations for Christmas, New Years, St. Patrick’s Day, Valentines, Halloween, The 4th, Thanksgiving, Labor Day, Memorial Day, Veterans Day. We’ve had Chippendale Dancers and a pole dancing, burlesque, and belly dancing show.

We’ve had a horse at the bar…. three times.

We haven’t had female strippers, jello wrestling, wet tee-shirt contests, arm wrestling, amateur boxing, indoor pyrotechnics, or the midget toss. Give us time.

None of that matters. None of those things compare to the slammage of Richmond Days — or rather the Saturday of Richmond Days — or rather the two hour time frame that encapsulates the thirty minute firework show on the Saturday evening of Richmond Days.

Richmond Days, as you may know, occurs this weekend.

It will be the busiest day and the busiest two hours of the year for us.

We’ve prepared relentlessly to help you enjoy this festival. We have lots and lots and lots of beer. We have great food. We’ve polished up our famous positive attitudes, huge smiles, cheerful dispositions, and our unparalleled hospitality and accommodation skills…. all for you.

And to really make this a great celebration of our little town; Saturday evening we have Acoustic Chi live after the fireworks.

And we know that you really want to kick off this grand weekend right, so, we have Richmond’s home town heroes, RUCKUS, for some kick ass Rock N’ Roll Friday at 9 PM for a free show!

And since Richmond Days used to incorporate Thursday as well, we’ve got Open Mic with Albert Lord on Thursday…. okay, that’s not really for Richmond Days…we have Albert every Thursday.

And surprise surprise! There are some things we can’t or won’t help you with this weekend. So in the spirit of community; For iced tea or just ice — go to Pierces. For dessert, go to Main Street Dairy Treat. For coffee — go to Annabella’s. For meals before noon — go to The Railway Cafe. For hard booze — go to Gary’s Quick Stop. For an ATM — go up the street to one of the two banks.

For parking — if our lot is full… good luck. You should be walking anyway, it’s going to be nice out.

See you at the Goat

Scottster

Goat Xth

Hiya Goatsters,

Robin Thayer along with Vanessa Santarelli and Mike Bonzagni won the Second Annual Old Goat Charity Golf Tournament.

I still have a picture of them holding the trophy and the look on Vanessa’s face is legendary because at the precise moment the picture was snapped one of her teammates was goosing her. Despite there only being two suspects, the true culprit has never been named.

Robin will not be at this year’s tournament. She is getting married the day before and if my theory holds true somebody will be getting a good goosing in the wedding photos too.

The tournament’s most hated team, the Casey/Casey team, won twice back to back for the 6th and 7th tournaments. But like with the Beatles this foursome is Splitsville and now former ringleader Casey Hynes will be playing for the Liberal Cup team…. a solid drinking team to be sure, but one of questionable quality on the links.

Mike Chase and the boys from Team Windham eked out a victory in year five and haven’t been close to the podium since. Reputedly, they’ll be back for another try this August.

My team won once on the strength of a thirty foot putt for birdie on the 1st hole, my single good stroke from the last nine tournaments.

George Dorr has talked and talked more about winning the tournament than anyone else has. Every year for the past six years he has recruited a new group of ringers promising success and glory only to fall short each time. George has endlessly worked on improving his game with lessons and round after round after round of practice. Is this the year he finally hoists the mug?

Rick St. Peter has been a player many times…. Some how he always manages to weasel onto a team with the hot young women. So naturally this begs the question; Will he come out on top this time?

Skip Spurling earned a tournament record by having his number drawn for five consecutive raffle prizes. His achievements on the course have been lacking, however.

Over the years the tournament has raised over $25,000 for our charities which have included; Make a Wish, The Maine Children’s Cancer Fund, Maine Special Olympics, and The Richmond Library Fund. This year (making it six years running) The Pine Tree Camp which provides a Maine camp experience for the disabled will be our beneficiary.

Other than greens fees, 100% of tournament revenue goes to the charity. Included in the entry cost are all food and beverages. Beer at every tee box. Burgers and dogs at the club house.

The tournament is Sunday August 3rd at 11:30. Spaces are limited, register your team today. Best ball, scramble, shotgun start. Country Fareways, Route 201 Bowdoin, Maine.

This weeks music is Robby Simpson live on Friday at 9 PM. Open Mic is Thursday with Albert Lord at 8 PM. Saturday we have a cancellation to fill. I will post an update on Facebook.

See you at The Goat,

Scottster

Here’s a look at the course; http://www.countryfareways.com/photos.html

Look Up In The Sky… It’s a Bird, It’s a Plane.. It’s a Goat!

Hiya Goatsters,

The other night a couple, older than I, came in and sat down and waited a minute and then apparently decided that The Goat wasn’t their cup of tea.

When they departed they left their keys on the table. I noticed after the door had closed behind them and they had turned to walk down hill. I jogged over, grabbed the keys, and hustled out after them.

Hailing them on my way, “hey guys, in your hurry to get out, you forgot these”, holding out the keys to show them.

In the universal sign for, “here they come”, I feigned an underhand toss. The woman who was closer to me than her husband, perhaps 12 feet, taking the cue, put her hands up to the ready and then on the second pump I delivered a perfect gently arcing lob right at those hands.

Aaaannnnd she didn’t close them.

Right in the face. Glasses knocked all cockeyed. Embarrassed, she bent down and picked up the keys mumbling something about thanks and the sun being in her eyes.

I admit it, I chuckled… a little.

Okay, that short story lacks the pyrotechnics of some of the previous Goatmails. But there is a lot of potential for negative embellishment and Richmond lacks 4th of July fireworks too. So, I guess it’s appropriate.

Yes, we will be open all day on Friday the 4th.

Open Mic is tonight with Albert Lord. Saturday night we have Jeff Noel and Ed DesJardins —- who would like me to announce them as Colonel Angus… but I’m not falling for that.

The 10th annual Old Goat Charity Golf Tournament is set for Sunday August 3rd with an 11:30 tee-off. Sign up sheets will be available at the bar next week.

See you at The Goat,

Scottster

World Cup of Goat

Hiya Goatsters,

The producers of the TV show American Idol called The Goat this week. I didn’t believe it was them at first but it turned out to be true. Lynly, a pleasant sounding corporate underling was doing some ground work for their upcoming auditions to be held in Portland in July.

Apparently our name came up as she Googled Maine for Open Mics which she did since open mics are a good source of contestants.

After we spoke she emailed me a sign up form and an American Idol Bus Tour schedule to forward to any rising stars between the ages of 15 and 28 that I am aware of who might want a shot at the big time.

I went through my list;

Jeff Noel… too old.
Brendan Lake …. too old
John Hasnip … too old
Albert Lord… too old
Paddy Mills… too old
Rich Williams… way too old, plus he just reads poetry

So I thought, well then there’s;

Nikki Hunt… 29
Jesse Lord … 29
Robby Simpson… 31

Ryan Wimbish….. moved to Texas

I emailed her back inviting her to get in touch again when American Idol launches a seniors addition.

Besides that, we’ve been all about the World Cup the last week or so. Today the US plays Germany at noon so I suggest you skip work and come over to watch the big match with me. Crowds at the bar for the US matches so far have been great and I look forward to screaming at the TV with you all today.

And besides that I pissed off some people so bad last week that they called to tell me that they are making it their mission to tell everyone they know in Dresden and Richmond not to go into The Old Goat ever again.

So I’ll get out ahead of that and tell you the story in it’s barest essence.

It was just a few broken potato chips, a red pepper flake or two, and perhaps some bread crumbs brushed possibly onto their laps….. Yes, it was on purpose…. by me…. Why? Because they sat at a dirty table after I told them to wait so I could clean it and we were really busy and I was hurrying to get that table cleaned specifically for them. So I brushed the table off in their general direction after playing a bit of hockey with a dime sized piece of crust, all because they couldn’t wait another minute for me to finish the job and I told them I didn’t care if they didn’t think it was funny.

Maybe I’d be mad if I were them, probably not too mad, it’s not like it was salad dressing or mustard or something messy or sticky. I might have found the whole thing funny especially if it was a hot looking young waitress that did it — but it was an old grumpy guy. If it turned out that I was mad, I’d probably never come back, although you never know — the pizza is really good. Maybe I’d tell everyone what a jerk the owner is too…. but just about everybody already suspects that so it wouldn’t be news.

But you know, I wouldn’t have sat at dirty table if I was asked not to so I’ll never have to worry about what I’d do.

See you at The Goat for the big game at noon today! Or not.

Scottster

We do have music this week, I just don’t know who it is off the top of my head.

Will It Be Lipton or Tetley At The Goat

Hiya Goatsters,

It gets tiring fighting that same, “why don’t you serve iced tea?”, fight over and over.

We had people come in last week who left in a huff when we told them we didn’t serve iced tea… I could hear the lady muttering on her way out, “I’m not going to drink any of that crap they have”.

Hey Sugar Buns, the sign over our door says P U B….. which certainly implies that we are all about “that crap”.

What kind of nitwit makes iced tea the defining meal item for an evening or luncheon out? You can drink it at home all day long… it is so common, so ordinary, so boring, so bland, so without value, that there isn’t even a franchise devoted to it.

You never hear; “man, that was the best iced tea ever”, or “how do you make your iced tea? It’s so good”, or “Incredible, you have 33 different iced teas!”, or “do you serve any local iced teas?”

The truth is that a customer who drinks iced tea is a lousy customer, there is no money in serving them. Yeah, yeah sure they might buy a panini or a pizza, but there really isn’t any money in just selling food.

We sell food so that we can sell beer and wine. That is our business model. We try and make the best food around to attract beer and wine drinkers. We also try and make a good pub ambiance to attract beer and wine drinkers. We have events and music and cornhole and darts to attract beer and wine drinkers. We have 94 different beers and 11 different wines to attract beer and wine drinkers.

We don’t do one damn thing to attract iced tea drinkers.

Guess what; if you were drinking iced tea you wouldn’t be drinking beer or wine.

Oh sure, maybe you’re that iced tea drinker who comes in with a beer drinker. In that case be the bigger person and have something besides iced tea. We have water, we have soda, or you can go dry… I don’t give a shit… let your beer drinking friend enjoy The Goat for what it is and you go without for an hour … chew slowly, enjoy the food… lack of iced tea won’t kill you. I promise.

And sure, kids don’t drink beer or wine, but hopefully at least one of their parents do — probably they both need to when they come in after putting up with the little pukes all day.

One good thing about kids is that they never order iced tea. The other good thing about kids is that in a few years they’ll grow up to be beer drinking Goatsters — especially if they see Dad throwing back a few with a big smile while Mom fumes about the lack of iced tea and then has to drive home — yep, they’ll understand that beer is the better path.

Do you realize that about ten different beer companies are sponsoring the World Cup and not one iced tea company is? Yeah, lets watch the big game and suck down a few iced teas… said no one ever.

We have the matches on TV all week, so stop by and catch a game and by all means join us for USA vs Portugal Sunday evening at 6:00 PM… game time atmosphere at the Goat will be awesome since we expect a house packed with beer and wine drinkers especially after Monday’s big win over Ghana.

By the way, I don’t hire bands that drink iced tea. Their music would suck. Nope, we hire good bands… This week Albert Lord is live tonight (not a tea drinker). Friday it’s Robby Simpson (never touches iced tea).

And the really big show this Saturday night is the incredible Nikki Hunt and her band for what will certainly be a fantastic time! Nikki won’t be drinking iced tea either… sexy people never do.

See you at The Goat,

Scottster

Casanova De La Cabra

Hiya Goatsters,

I gotta give Joe Joe credit. That man is a satin tongued devil.

Everyone always notices a new face at The Goat, especially when it’s an attractive one. So everyone was already watching the gorgeous and well endowed young blond lady when her Match.Com date blew up.

But it was Joe Joe who was right there for her.

"What’s the matter Princess, things didn’t go according to plan?" And bam he was in. The girl plopped right onto the bar stool next to him. That’s all it took. The man has a gift.

Unfortunately, at 78 Joe Joe wasn’t really all that capable of capitalizing on his initial success. All of his buddies had been instantly turned into drooling stammering fools and were thus also unable to seize the opportunity presented so ultimately another one got away — but not until she had spent a good hour or so charmed by the old master himself who finally sent her off with a lovely piano serenade.

It was a show watched by all. It was better than TV.

Only Shelby didn’t enjoy the program — she’s the real Goat princess and there can be only one, so she just kept remarking about how snorty the girl’s laugh was. Shelby had a point. That laugh was irritating… but, for Joe Joe and the brigade of hovering boys it was certainly no deal breaker.

Anyone who knows Joe Joe knows that he isn’t always charming. While he’s never shy, sometimes he’s just down right lecherous. Tuesday though, he was on his game, pure genius.

I’d like to have him offer classes for some of the young stumble bums that come to our pub — they could really use the help. I can see him running seminars upstairs; Joe Joe’s Success Secrets For Chatting Up Women.

I could take a cut of the proceeds.

Maybe I could get him to hold a class tomorrow, that would be just in time to give the guys a few pointers before our huge weekend coming up.

We’ve got Shizzle and their amazing hip hop show this Saturday night at 9. Their last visit was the most fun I’ve had in ages and from the feed back I’m getting there’s going to be a veritable stampede of women to The Goat this time — all of them ready to carry on and party all night. The lads sure need to improve their game for this event.

Friday evening’s Blues Piano performance by Neil Sheppard should also be quite well attended and may offer a more tranquil setting to try out Joe Joe’s course material. This is also to be Neil’s second visit. The first time around he was marvelous — he can really rock that piano, it’s an awesome sound that he makes comes out of it.

This weekend is going to be great…. so why not kick it off tonight and join us for Albert Lord’s Open Mic!

See you at The Goat,

Scottster

Fitness Goat Where?

Hiya Goatsters,

Like just about everyone else who comes into The Goat, I’m thinking about getting in shape and maybe losing some weight now that winter is mostly gone.

Today was day two and I just finished 14 minutes on the exercise bike… no sense over doing it. I mean, I’m hoping to increase that over the next couple weeks even though it’s boring as hell since it’s stationary. But at least I don’t have to worry about hills, rain, wind, dogs, or cars and I can watch porn while I’m pedaling.

Maybe when my fitness improves I’ll get out on the actual road. If it improves… day 3 could be an insurmountable barrier…. I almost never make it past 2 days.

I went vegetarian once… lasted about 2 days. I quit drinking beer a couple times too….. but only for 2 days.

Anyway, I have to go into work now and my legs are tired…. so this fitness stuff is already having a negative impact on my job performance. You know, it takes a lot of effort to reach into the cooler for a bottle of Bud, takes a lot of core strength, and I hate handicapping myself with all of this exercise induced fatigue. And don’t get me started on how physically demanding it is to bring a pepperoni pizza to a table, I’ll never make it.

I have to last about 6 hours tonight. I might even have to walk up the stairs and bring down a keg. That’s exhausting and I’m already spent…. woe is me.

Plus my alcohol tolerance has been driven way down too. I just drank one Heineken to celebrate my workout and I’m buzzed. How can I possibly toast everyone all night now?

Please, don’t fret on my account, I’ll struggle on through the day. After all, Albert Lord’s Open Mic is tonight starting around 8 and since I know that none of you are all that serious about your figure for this summer, we’ve got Chef Deanna bringing in her dessert treats tonight too; Tiramesu, caramelized strawberry and Mascarpone cheese tart, and a delectable German chocolate cake.

Yes, I’ll make it through today…. somehow.

Then, Friday night it’s John Hasnip and his English Pop Invasion and Saturday it’s Justin Walton live.

See You at The Goat,

Scottster