The Old Goat
The Goat Loves Richmond Days

Hiya Goatsters,

We’ve tried a lot of things at the Goat.

We’ve had trivia contests, cribbage tournaments, dart nights, ladies’ night, a Haiku competition, chili cook-offs, an original spooky story contest, cornhole tournaments, comedy nights, open mics, bands, solo acoustic acts, DJs, golf tournaments, food specials, beer specials, a doggy fashion show, art shows, nude drawing nights, lecture series, charity auctions, Old Goat anniversary parties, Superbowl parties, and specials for the World Cup. We’ve had celebrations for Christmas, New Years, St. Patrick’s Day, Valentines, Halloween, The 4th, Thanksgiving, Labor Day, Memorial Day, Veterans Day. We’ve had Chippendale Dancers and a pole dancing, burlesque, and belly dancing show.

We’ve had a horse at the bar…. three times.

We haven’t had female strippers, jello wrestling, wet tee-shirt contests, arm wrestling, amateur boxing, indoor pyrotechnics, or the midget toss. Give us time.

None of that matters. None of those things compare to the slammage of Richmond Days — or rather the Saturday of Richmond Days — or rather the two hour time frame that encapsulates the thirty minute firework show on the Saturday evening of Richmond Days.

Richmond Days, as you may know, occurs this weekend.

It will be the busiest day and the busiest two hours of the year for us.

We’ve prepared relentlessly to help you enjoy this festival. We have lots and lots and lots of beer. We have great food. We’ve polished up our famous positive attitudes, huge smiles, cheerful dispositions, and our unparalleled hospitality and accommodation skills…. all for you.

And to really make this a great celebration of our little town; Saturday evening we have Acoustic Chi live after the fireworks.

And we know that you really want to kick off this grand weekend right, so, we have Richmond’s home town heroes, RUCKUS, for some kick ass Rock N’ Roll Friday at 9 PM for a free show!

And since Richmond Days used to incorporate Thursday as well, we’ve got Open Mic with Albert Lord on Thursday…. okay, that’s not really for Richmond Days…we have Albert every Thursday.

And surprise surprise! There are some things we can’t or won’t help you with this weekend. So in the spirit of community; For iced tea or just ice — go to Pierces. For dessert, go to Main Street Dairy Treat. For coffee — go to Annabella’s. For meals before noon — go to The Railway Cafe. For hard booze — go to Gary’s Quick Stop. For an ATM — go up the street to one of the two banks.

For parking — if our lot is full… good luck. You should be walking anyway, it’s going to be nice out.

See you at the Goat

Scottster

Goat Xth

Hiya Goatsters,

Robin Thayer along with Vanessa Santarelli and Mike Bonzagni won the Second Annual Old Goat Charity Golf Tournament.

I still have a picture of them holding the trophy and the look on Vanessa’s face is legendary because at the precise moment the picture was snapped one of her teammates was goosing her. Despite there only being two suspects, the true culprit has never been named.

Robin will not be at this year’s tournament. She is getting married the day before and if my theory holds true somebody will be getting a good goosing in the wedding photos too.

The tournament’s most hated team, the Casey/Casey team, won twice back to back for the 6th and 7th tournaments. But like with the Beatles this foursome is Splitsville and now former ringleader Casey Hynes will be playing for the Liberal Cup team…. a solid drinking team to be sure, but one of questionable quality on the links.

Mike Chase and the boys from Team Windham eked out a victory in year five and haven’t been close to the podium since. Reputedly, they’ll be back for another try this August.

My team won once on the strength of a thirty foot putt for birdie on the 1st hole, my single good stroke from the last nine tournaments.

George Dorr has talked and talked more about winning the tournament than anyone else has. Every year for the past six years he has recruited a new group of ringers promising success and glory only to fall short each time. George has endlessly worked on improving his game with lessons and round after round after round of practice. Is this the year he finally hoists the mug?

Rick St. Peter has been a player many times…. Some how he always manages to weasel onto a team with the hot young women. So naturally this begs the question; Will he come out on top this time?

Skip Spurling earned a tournament record by having his number drawn for five consecutive raffle prizes. His achievements on the course have been lacking, however.

Over the years the tournament has raised over $25,000 for our charities which have included; Make a Wish, The Maine Children’s Cancer Fund, Maine Special Olympics, and The Richmond Library Fund. This year (making it six years running) The Pine Tree Camp which provides a Maine camp experience for the disabled will be our beneficiary.

Other than greens fees, 100% of tournament revenue goes to the charity. Included in the entry cost are all food and beverages. Beer at every tee box. Burgers and dogs at the club house.

The tournament is Sunday August 3rd at 11:30. Spaces are limited, register your team today. Best ball, scramble, shotgun start. Country Fareways, Route 201 Bowdoin, Maine.

This weeks music is Robby Simpson live on Friday at 9 PM. Open Mic is Thursday with Albert Lord at 8 PM. Saturday we have a cancellation to fill. I will post an update on Facebook.

See you at The Goat,

Scottster

Here’s a look at the course; http://www.countryfareways.com/photos.html

Look Up In The Sky… It’s a Bird, It’s a Plane.. It’s a Goat!

Hiya Goatsters,

The other night a couple, older than I, came in and sat down and waited a minute and then apparently decided that The Goat wasn’t their cup of tea.

When they departed they left their keys on the table. I noticed after the door had closed behind them and they had turned to walk down hill. I jogged over, grabbed the keys, and hustled out after them.

Hailing them on my way, “hey guys, in your hurry to get out, you forgot these”, holding out the keys to show them.

In the universal sign for, “here they come”, I feigned an underhand toss. The woman who was closer to me than her husband, perhaps 12 feet, taking the cue, put her hands up to the ready and then on the second pump I delivered a perfect gently arcing lob right at those hands.

Aaaannnnd she didn’t close them.

Right in the face. Glasses knocked all cockeyed. Embarrassed, she bent down and picked up the keys mumbling something about thanks and the sun being in her eyes.

I admit it, I chuckled… a little.

Okay, that short story lacks the pyrotechnics of some of the previous Goatmails. But there is a lot of potential for negative embellishment and Richmond lacks 4th of July fireworks too. So, I guess it’s appropriate.

Yes, we will be open all day on Friday the 4th.

Open Mic is tonight with Albert Lord. Saturday night we have Jeff Noel and Ed DesJardins —- who would like me to announce them as Colonel Angus… but I’m not falling for that.

The 10th annual Old Goat Charity Golf Tournament is set for Sunday August 3rd with an 11:30 tee-off. Sign up sheets will be available at the bar next week.

See you at The Goat,

Scottster

World Cup of Goat

Hiya Goatsters,

The producers of the TV show American Idol called The Goat this week. I didn’t believe it was them at first but it turned out to be true. Lynly, a pleasant sounding corporate underling was doing some ground work for their upcoming auditions to be held in Portland in July.

Apparently our name came up as she Googled Maine for Open Mics which she did since open mics are a good source of contestants.

After we spoke she emailed me a sign up form and an American Idol Bus Tour schedule to forward to any rising stars between the ages of 15 and 28 that I am aware of who might want a shot at the big time.

I went through my list;

Jeff Noel… too old.
Brendan Lake …. too old
John Hasnip … too old
Albert Lord… too old
Paddy Mills… too old
Rich Williams… way too old, plus he just reads poetry

So I thought, well then there’s;

Nikki Hunt… 29
Jesse Lord … 29
Robby Simpson… 31

Ryan Wimbish….. moved to Texas

I emailed her back inviting her to get in touch again when American Idol launches a seniors addition.

Besides that, we’ve been all about the World Cup the last week or so. Today the US plays Germany at noon so I suggest you skip work and come over to watch the big match with me. Crowds at the bar for the US matches so far have been great and I look forward to screaming at the TV with you all today.

And besides that I pissed off some people so bad last week that they called to tell me that they are making it their mission to tell everyone they know in Dresden and Richmond not to go into The Old Goat ever again.

So I’ll get out ahead of that and tell you the story in it’s barest essence.

It was just a few broken potato chips, a red pepper flake or two, and perhaps some bread crumbs brushed possibly onto their laps….. Yes, it was on purpose…. by me…. Why? Because they sat at a dirty table after I told them to wait so I could clean it and we were really busy and I was hurrying to get that table cleaned specifically for them. So I brushed the table off in their general direction after playing a bit of hockey with a dime sized piece of crust, all because they couldn’t wait another minute for me to finish the job and I told them I didn’t care if they didn’t think it was funny.

Maybe I’d be mad if I were them, probably not too mad, it’s not like it was salad dressing or mustard or something messy or sticky. I might have found the whole thing funny especially if it was a hot looking young waitress that did it — but it was an old grumpy guy. If it turned out that I was mad, I’d probably never come back, although you never know — the pizza is really good. Maybe I’d tell everyone what a jerk the owner is too…. but just about everybody already suspects that so it wouldn’t be news.

But you know, I wouldn’t have sat at dirty table if I was asked not to so I’ll never have to worry about what I’d do.

See you at The Goat for the big game at noon today! Or not.

Scottster

We do have music this week, I just don’t know who it is off the top of my head.

Will It Be Lipton or Tetley At The Goat

Hiya Goatsters,

It gets tiring fighting that same, “why don’t you serve iced tea?”, fight over and over.

We had people come in last week who left in a huff when we told them we didn’t serve iced tea… I could hear the lady muttering on her way out, “I’m not going to drink any of that crap they have”.

Hey Sugar Buns, the sign over our door says P U B….. which certainly implies that we are all about “that crap”.

What kind of nitwit makes iced tea the defining meal item for an evening or luncheon out? You can drink it at home all day long… it is so common, so ordinary, so boring, so bland, so without value, that there isn’t even a franchise devoted to it.

You never hear; “man, that was the best iced tea ever”, or “how do you make your iced tea? It’s so good”, or “Incredible, you have 33 different iced teas!”, or “do you serve any local iced teas?”

The truth is that a customer who drinks iced tea is a lousy customer, there is no money in serving them. Yeah, yeah sure they might buy a panini or a pizza, but there really isn’t any money in just selling food.

We sell food so that we can sell beer and wine. That is our business model. We try and make the best food around to attract beer and wine drinkers. We also try and make a good pub ambiance to attract beer and wine drinkers. We have events and music and cornhole and darts to attract beer and wine drinkers. We have 94 different beers and 11 different wines to attract beer and wine drinkers.

We don’t do one damn thing to attract iced tea drinkers.

Guess what; if you were drinking iced tea you wouldn’t be drinking beer or wine.

Oh sure, maybe you’re that iced tea drinker who comes in with a beer drinker. In that case be the bigger person and have something besides iced tea. We have water, we have soda, or you can go dry… I don’t give a shit… let your beer drinking friend enjoy The Goat for what it is and you go without for an hour … chew slowly, enjoy the food… lack of iced tea won’t kill you. I promise.

And sure, kids don’t drink beer or wine, but hopefully at least one of their parents do — probably they both need to when they come in after putting up with the little pukes all day.

One good thing about kids is that they never order iced tea. The other good thing about kids is that in a few years they’ll grow up to be beer drinking Goatsters — especially if they see Dad throwing back a few with a big smile while Mom fumes about the lack of iced tea and then has to drive home — yep, they’ll understand that beer is the better path.

Do you realize that about ten different beer companies are sponsoring the World Cup and not one iced tea company is? Yeah, lets watch the big game and suck down a few iced teas… said no one ever.

We have the matches on TV all week, so stop by and catch a game and by all means join us for USA vs Portugal Sunday evening at 6:00 PM… game time atmosphere at the Goat will be awesome since we expect a house packed with beer and wine drinkers especially after Monday’s big win over Ghana.

By the way, I don’t hire bands that drink iced tea. Their music would suck. Nope, we hire good bands… This week Albert Lord is live tonight (not a tea drinker). Friday it’s Robby Simpson (never touches iced tea).

And the really big show this Saturday night is the incredible Nikki Hunt and her band for what will certainly be a fantastic time! Nikki won’t be drinking iced tea either… sexy people never do.

See you at The Goat,

Scottster

Casanova De La Cabra

Hiya Goatsters,

I gotta give Joe Joe credit. That man is a satin tongued devil.

Everyone always notices a new face at The Goat, especially when it’s an attractive one. So everyone was already watching the gorgeous and well endowed young blond lady when her Match.Com date blew up.

But it was Joe Joe who was right there for her.

"What’s the matter Princess, things didn’t go according to plan?" And bam he was in. The girl plopped right onto the bar stool next to him. That’s all it took. The man has a gift.

Unfortunately, at 78 Joe Joe wasn’t really all that capable of capitalizing on his initial success. All of his buddies had been instantly turned into drooling stammering fools and were thus also unable to seize the opportunity presented so ultimately another one got away — but not until she had spent a good hour or so charmed by the old master himself who finally sent her off with a lovely piano serenade.

It was a show watched by all. It was better than TV.

Only Shelby didn’t enjoy the program — she’s the real Goat princess and there can be only one, so she just kept remarking about how snorty the girl’s laugh was. Shelby had a point. That laugh was irritating… but, for Joe Joe and the brigade of hovering boys it was certainly no deal breaker.

Anyone who knows Joe Joe knows that he isn’t always charming. While he’s never shy, sometimes he’s just down right lecherous. Tuesday though, he was on his game, pure genius.

I’d like to have him offer classes for some of the young stumble bums that come to our pub — they could really use the help. I can see him running seminars upstairs; Joe Joe’s Success Secrets For Chatting Up Women.

I could take a cut of the proceeds.

Maybe I could get him to hold a class tomorrow, that would be just in time to give the guys a few pointers before our huge weekend coming up.

We’ve got Shizzle and their amazing hip hop show this Saturday night at 9. Their last visit was the most fun I’ve had in ages and from the feed back I’m getting there’s going to be a veritable stampede of women to The Goat this time — all of them ready to carry on and party all night. The lads sure need to improve their game for this event.

Friday evening’s Blues Piano performance by Neil Sheppard should also be quite well attended and may offer a more tranquil setting to try out Joe Joe’s course material. This is also to be Neil’s second visit. The first time around he was marvelous — he can really rock that piano, it’s an awesome sound that he makes comes out of it.

This weekend is going to be great…. so why not kick it off tonight and join us for Albert Lord’s Open Mic!

See you at The Goat,

Scottster

Fitness Goat Where?

Hiya Goatsters,

Like just about everyone else who comes into The Goat, I’m thinking about getting in shape and maybe losing some weight now that winter is mostly gone.

Today was day two and I just finished 14 minutes on the exercise bike… no sense over doing it. I mean, I’m hoping to increase that over the next couple weeks even though it’s boring as hell since it’s stationary. But at least I don’t have to worry about hills, rain, wind, dogs, or cars and I can watch porn while I’m pedaling.

Maybe when my fitness improves I’ll get out on the actual road. If it improves… day 3 could be an insurmountable barrier…. I almost never make it past 2 days.

I went vegetarian once… lasted about 2 days. I quit drinking beer a couple times too….. but only for 2 days.

Anyway, I have to go into work now and my legs are tired…. so this fitness stuff is already having a negative impact on my job performance. You know, it takes a lot of effort to reach into the cooler for a bottle of Bud, takes a lot of core strength, and I hate handicapping myself with all of this exercise induced fatigue. And don’t get me started on how physically demanding it is to bring a pepperoni pizza to a table, I’ll never make it.

I have to last about 6 hours tonight. I might even have to walk up the stairs and bring down a keg. That’s exhausting and I’m already spent…. woe is me.

Plus my alcohol tolerance has been driven way down too. I just drank one Heineken to celebrate my workout and I’m buzzed. How can I possibly toast everyone all night now?

Please, don’t fret on my account, I’ll struggle on through the day. After all, Albert Lord’s Open Mic is tonight starting around 8 and since I know that none of you are all that serious about your figure for this summer, we’ve got Chef Deanna bringing in her dessert treats tonight too; Tiramesu, caramelized strawberry and Mascarpone cheese tart, and a delectable German chocolate cake.

Yes, I’ll make it through today…. somehow.

Then, Friday night it’s John Hasnip and his English Pop Invasion and Saturday it’s Justin Walton live.

See You at The Goat,

Scottster

Getting All Summery At The Goat

Hiya Goatsters,

As you know this weekend marks the beginning of the summer tourist season for Maine. Hopefully, it will provide us all with enough economic stimulus to carry us through next winter and into the 2015 tourist season.

Things are boding well for Richmond. The June issue of Downeast Magazine features our lovely little town in a five page article. The story has some nice photos of places and people from town. The photo of Barb and Stacy from Annabella’s will certainly help bring traffic to the village, they are gorgeous. However, the photos of Dairy Treat’s Tim and Old Goat’s Scott will probably offset those gains unless a lot of single blind 50ish women read the article….then there will be a stampede.

It is a fact that a lot of out of state people come through town on their way to Boothbay or some other coastal destination. All the village businesses are lucky this happens as we do snare those few travelers who might need to hit the bathroom or ask for directions. If they are the kindly sort and feel obligated by our assistance they spend a few dollars.

Some don’t buy anything and don’t even say thanks.

Hey you, Joe Tourist! Somebody has to keep that toilet clean ya know! By the way, I see a spot, you dribbled.

There is a science capturing some of the drive by dollars. Tim Acord calls it “The Line Length Theory”’ which holds that If there is nobody in line at the Dairy Treat then cars will pass without stopping. If the line has more than 5 people then cars also pass without stopping. Only when there are 1 to 5 people in cue will cars stop. So I suggest to Tim that he should have his staff members stand outside at the window when they are slow thus ensuring that the line is always the perfect length…. besides his staff is adorable, and that can’t hurt either.

A similar theory applies to The Old Goat but it involves full seats at the bar and the right number of cars in the parking lot. Unfortunately, we seem to only hit the sweet spot during our little daily staff pregame warm-up as the team sit at the bar enjoying a quiet beer before things get started.

Sorry, not open yet, the restrooms are back there.

I’m pretty sure the Downeast feature will bring in business, since any press is good press.

My optimistic side hopes it’s the right type of business; Party of two, three beers and a panini each with a 20% tip, thank you. My pessimist side sees Mom, Dad, three kids, and Granny ordering an iced tea, a Diet Pepsi, four waters, two salads no dressing, three gluten free grilled cheeses, and a pizza divided four ways, leaving a pound of crushed potato chips on the floor, spilled water everywhere, a 5% tip, and pee all over the toilet seat.

Oh, happy Summer!

Music this weekend is highlighted by a visit on Friday night from Adela and Jude and their unique Americana show featuring Delta Blues, lively Gospel, originals, and Johnny Cash favorites — and no they are not a Christian band. This talented duo each simultaneously play two or three instruments and put on a great upbeat show. Afterwards they sleep in their van and proceed with their vagabond lifestyle as they tour continuously from Maine to Mississippi.

Saturday we have the always entertaining Robby Simpson and Thursday is Open Mic with Albert Lord.

See you at The Goat,

Scottster

PS. Desert night is back this Thursday as Chef Deanna serves up a caramelized strawberry and Mascarpone cream tart, Tiramisu, and chocolate caramel Bundt cake.

Goat’s Breath Contributing To Climate Change

Hiya Goatsters,

It is no secret that I’m pretty much willing to argue about anything. This is particularly the case when there are others around The Goat with strong opinions of their own…. which is no rare occurrence.

Most discussions are civil, even friendly with voices modulated.

Occasionally, since there is no copy of Roberts Rules of Order behind the bar and there is almost never a qualified moderator at hand, running on, refusing to yield the floor, interrupting, shouting over, insulting, cursing, hand banging, fist shaking, and spittle dripping can come to define some of these conversations.

Those are the really fun ones. Yesterday there was a fun one which only ended when the Sheriff’s Deputy showed up ….. purely by random happenstance, truly.

Sadly, the fun ones aren’t so good for business. A lot of folks don’t like to hear vitriol in loud voices or see bulging neck veins or red faces. I’m sure I’ve lost customers this way. A couple have even written about it on restaurant review sites, once one said something like, “Go to The Old Goat if you enjoy getting hollered at”.

Fortunately, there are still a few people who are undaunted by rancorous contention or I would probably be out of business.

Then there is also a tiny but enthusiastic minority who actually come in looking to enjoy a yelling match. They share my lack of self control, unreasonableness, and damn it all to Hell self destructive nature.

There are only about three all out wars a year, one every few months or so — because it takes me a while to recover from my shame for conducting myself so horribly. And you know, I’ve never won a single one of them. Never once has a person walked out the door all in a huff at the end of one of these battles and looked back over their shoulder and said, “Scott, you complete son of a whore, you’re right. See you tomorrow”.

I never lost one either. I’ve never said, “Good bye you rotten bastard, you win! I’m convinced. See you tomorrow”.

So, it’s true, I am an idiot.

But, I’m an idiot with a pub… for now. And what a pub it is! This weekend we have the amazing RUCKUS band live Saturday night — they are so good it’s like they are ribbed for your pleasure, so get on down for the party! On Friday night it’s the über dynamic duo Acoustic Chi featuring the lovely Tina Charest and her sultry voice. Thursday night is Albert Lord and Open Mic.

And don’t forget, The Old Goat Summer Kick Off Cornhole Tournament is Sunday starting at 1 PM. Proceeds from this tournament will benefit Richmond High School’s Project Graduation so Kayla and a few friends from the Class of ‘14 will be on hand to grill up some burgers and brats on the patio and to sell raffle tickets. Team entry fee is $10. Trophy and cash for 1st place, Old Goat gift cards for 2nd and 3rd. Registration starts at noon.

See you at The Goat… no I won’t… yes you will…. this isn’t an argument… yes it is,

Scottster

Lookee What The Goat Dragged In

Hiya Goatsters,

Leroy Smith III, the man charged with murdering his dad at home in Gardiner and then dumping the body on Lincoln Street, has been to The Old Goat once. It was only a couple weeks ago.

He asked if we ever had heavy metal bands and he tried, briefly, to chat up my daughter, Miranda, who was working at the time.

It makes me wonder what other gems of humanity have passed through our door. Murderers, thieves, drug lords, gun runners, pimps, whores, arsonists, rapists, bank robbers.

What’ll you have? Like to see a menu?

One night when I was fresh out of college and driving south out of Tampa on Route 41 in an absolutely Noahesque downpour I stopped to pick up a hitch hiker because I felt bad he was out in the monsoon.

A couple minutes later he said that he had just gotten out of prison after doing 12 years for murder. But he told me not to worry since he had found Jesus.

I stopped at the next 7-11 and grabbed a few roadies and for the next hour we drove in silence. Then I dropped him off in a really shitty neighborhood.

He said, “Thanks, God bless.”

Maybe Leroy III will find Jesus too, so that in a couple dozen years or so he might be safe to stop for when he’s thumbing the River Road.

He probably won’t be heading to The Goat then because we don’t have metal music but this week we do have Albert Lord’s Open Mic (tonight) and Robby Simpsons country blues rock (Friday).

See you at The Goat,

Scottster

Remember! The Summer Kick Off Cornhole Tournament is Sunday, May 18 at 1 PM. #Prizes#Swag# Burgers&Brats#On the Patio#Good times